Sweet Sweet Chain, Part 1: On the Difficulty Making Change
“‘Be careful, get comfortable, don’t make any waves,’ whispers the DNA.”
-Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
Dear Reader, are you in the mood for some psychology and neuroscience? No, not yet? You want a joke before we dive in? Ok, here you go…
Q: How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
Ha!
I imagine that you’re absolutely overwhelmed by the hilarity of the joke I just told you and that consequently you’re rolling all over the floor in laughter. But come on guy, get up off the floor, behave like a respectable person, would you?
Look at that, I just made another joke. Should I keep going?
“No, please stop!” I imagine you say to me, “your corny jokes are destroying my will to live. I’d much rather be reading about psychology and neuroscience. Anything but this!”
Ok, good. I’m glad you’re ready. But before we dive in let’s consider that first joke I told you real quick. Why is it that therapists can only change lightbulbs that want to change? It’s because lightbulbs are creatures of habit and it’s hard to change habits. If lightbulbs don’t want to change, like really really want to change, then they will never be able to do the insanely challenging work that is absolutely necessary in order for any change to start to happen. Did you know changing lightbulbs was such hard work? Well, it is. That’s why so many of us just give up and sit around in the dark.
Humans are creatures of habit. Habits are the thinking, feeling, and behavior patterns that we replay so frequently they have become our automatic way of functioning in the world. You might not realize it, but things like depression and anxiety are habits. Our brains have felt depression and anxiety so often that they become instinctive and involuntary. Other habits include engaging in unhealthy relationships, feeling stuck, replaying trauma, negative thinking, using substances, and all sorts of addictions. In short, there are patterns that we want to stop, that we know if we do stop our lives will be happier and healthier, but that, for whatever reason, we continue repeating.
What is that menacing force that sucks us into doing or feeling what we have decided time and again we don’t want to do or feel? Have we any agency over our own brains and bodies?
That’s a complicated question to answer and one can make the argument that, no, we really don’t have as much agency as we like to think we do. Neuroscientist Robert Sapolsky (2017) gives a TED talk wherein he recalls some of the interplays between our genes and our experiences that essentially determine how we will behave in any given circumstance. In it, he raises the question of free will.
Meet Frank, a fictional person inspired by elements of Sapolsky’s talk. When Frank was a fetus his mother was incredibly anxious and, as such, she released elevated levels of stress hormones. These hormones impacted Frank’s genetic makeup causing him to be more prone to heightened anxiety as an adult. In addition, biologically speaking, Frank has elevated levels of testosterone. More testosterone means that Frank is more likely to read a neutral facial expression as threatening. Furthermore, Frank was abused as a child and, as a result, his brain chemistry is even more primed to expect danger in circumstances that might in reality be safe.
Fast forward to a moment when adult Frank sees someone running towards him reaching for something in their pocket. Because Frank is genetically, biologically, and chemically prone to expect danger, Frank believes that the person is reaching for a gun. The person is really just reaching for a cell phone, but Frank does not know this, and so he attacks the innocent person in an act of what Frank believes to be self-defense.
Should we condemn Frank who, to no fault of his own, had an anxious mother whose elevated stress hormones affected his genetic makeup as a fetus, who biologically had higher levels of testosterone, and who was exposed to abuse as a child that only exacerbated his biochemical tendencies towards hypervigilance and violence, when Frank inevitably attacks an innocent person whom he misunderstands to be threatening?
Did Frank actually choose to attack the innocent person or did his genes and life experiences, both outside of his control, program him to do so?
Let’s consider Frank’s mother for a moment. Why is Frank’s mother so anxious? Why are most of us so anxious for that matter? All anxiety is a result of our fight or flight mechanism, which exists to protect us when we are facing a serious threat.
Here’s how it works. Let’s say a bear enters your house and wants to eat you. First of all, that’s kinda cool, we all have to die sometime so you might as well go down in an epic battle with a Grizzly. But I digress. This bear, this threat to your life, will trigger your amygdala- the brain’s fear center- to catalyze a series of physiological shifts in your body that will ultimately help you either fight the bear or run away from the bear so that you can survive. First, an increased heartbeat and rapid breathing allow for more energy and oxygen to enter your body so that you are more alert to the bear and have quicker response times to the bear’s attacks. Dilated pupils will allow more light into your eyes which results in better vision of your surroundings. Your muscles tense since they are primed for action, and this will make you stronger when you fight the bear or faster when you run away. The fight or flight response is that mechanism that we see at play when mothers exhibit superhuman strength when they lift up cars their children are stuck under. The fight or flight response is how you survived the bear in your home. Wait, what? There’s no bear in your home? That’s not realistic you say?
Back when our ancestors were cave dwellers, the threat of wild animals tearing them to shreds or invading warrior tribes meant that they required an easily activated fight or flight response to survive. Since that time our lives and cultures have evolved but that ancient part of our brain has not evolved with us. We are on alert, in hyper-aroused states of fight or flight or anxiety or fear or violence or whatever because of the patterns passed down to us from our cave-dwelling ancestors hundreds of years ago.
Murray Bowen (1978), one of the big shots in the field of family therapy, introduces the concept of the multigenerational transmission process. The multigenerational transmission process basically means that our ancestors pass down beliefs, norms, emotions, values, and behaviors to us, which we then continue to pass on to our children, on and on. Somehow, these patterns live in our psyche, in our DNA, because of what we received from previous generations. Our overactive fight or flight response today (aka heightened anxiety) is a symptom of the multigenerational transmission process- a gift from our ancestors. Gee, thanks guys.
So what activates our fight or flight response these days? I don’t know about you, but sometimes I get incredibly anxious over really long “to-do” lists. My thoughts start racing about all the things I have to do, there isn’t enough time, I am overwhelmed, and my mischievous amygdala starts with its shenanigans- my heart starts beating faster, my pupils dilate, my muscles tense up, but there is no actual threat for me to fight or run away from so I just remain anxious. The increased stress hormones in my system are pretty unhealthy for my body, but I won’t tell you why they are unhealthy since I don’t want to make you more anxious than you already are. So I ask myself, if the things on the list don’t get done right now right this minute will I die? Will my life fall apart? Will I wind up in excruciating pain? Is the to-do list going to eat me? No, it’s just a piece of paper with words on it. But this anxiety is in my DNA. It’s in your DNA too.
Elizabeth Gilbert (2015) says it best, “fear is a deeply ancient instinct...but it ain’t especially smart…primarily, your fear’s like a cop in malls who thinks he is a Navy SEAL: He has not been sleeping in days, he has been taking in a lot of Red Bull, and he is liable to have his own shadow shot in a ridiculous effort in order to keep everyone all safe and secure” (pp. 20-23).
Of course, there are serious threats in the world and, of course, our fight or flight response can save our lives. While this is true, it is also true that we go into fight-or-flight mode far more often than is necessary. There are times when we logically understand that there is no reason to be anxious, or that our anxiety is not helping to solve any problems, and moments when we wish we could stop being anxious or scared because it is only causing unnecessary distress. However, sometimes, despite our logic and understanding and what we desire for our lives, we cannot resist the pull of anxiety or fear, it feels outside of our control, and this is due to the multigenerational transmission process, the patterns passed down to us by our ancestors.