Insecure Attachment and the dance of despair: Attachment Trauma
If you have a basic understanding of Attachment Theory and you already know if you are anxiously attached, avoidantly attached, and/or engaged in an anxious/avoidant romantic relationship, feel free to read about ways to become securely attached, by clicking on the relevant button below. If none of what I just said makes any sense, skip the buttons and read this post.
According to Attachment Theory, our first relationship, the one with our parents or primary caregivers (when we are infants, children, or teens) teaches us how to be in a relationship with other people as adults- including romantic partners. It is our first relationship that sets the standard for how relationships look, what we can expect from other people, and how we should behave.
If our parents were attuned and responsive to our needs, we become securely attached. Securely attached children learn that they can trust and rely on other people. Securely attached children tend to grow up into securely attached adults with emotionally mature, intimate, and supportive relationships.
If, on the other hand, our parents were neglectful or unavailable or smothering or inconsistent or abusive or some combination of the above, we might become insecurely attached. Insecurely attached children learn certain survival strategies (e.g. crying and screaming might ensure that an inconsistent parent will pay attention to their needs). Insecurely attached children tend to grow up into insecurely attached adults who reenact unhealthy relational patterns with romantic partners that once served a survival function when they were children (e.g. crying and screaming helped infant survive inconsistent parenting- but crying and screaming at a romantic partner, is only causing damage to the relationship).
One type of insecure attachment is anxious attachment. I am anxiously attached- or else I used to be, before I did a lot of personal growth work on myself. Anxiously attached individuals tend to see reality through a filter of I am going to be rejected and abandoned because this was the feeling triggered by inconsistent parenting in childhood. Anxiously attached folks are hyper-sensitive to abandonment triggers- things like: someone doesn’t respond to a text, someone cancels plans, someone emotionally shuts down, etc. Anxiously attached individuals can respond to these abandonment triggers with a preoccupation over the object of their attachment. This preoccupation can look like: constantly thinking about the other person, people pleasing, being hyper-focused on what that person is doing or feeling, etc. They also might respond with an emotional expression that can escalate to drama drama drama. The drama comes from a deep-seated well of panic and pain. The drama was a survival mechanism at one point.
Another type of insecure attachment is avoidant attachment. Avoidantly attached individuals usually grow up with either smothering parents or neglectful parents. With smothering parents, children learn that there is no space for their own feelings and needs so they emotionally shutdown as a survival response. Furthermore, children with smothering parents learn that being close to someone means they lose their sense of self or autonomy so they may grow up into adults who equate intimacy with control in relationships. They see reality through the filters of feelings and needs are things that should be suppressed and people are trying to control me. Avoidantly attached individuals tend to avoid intimacy in relationships and respond to their emotional discomfort, or the emotional discomfort expressed by others, through shutting down and withdrawing.
Most of my ex boyfriends were avoidantly attached. That’s probably because anxiously attached individuals and avoidantly attached individuals tend to end up together. Sue Johnson (2007), who co-develops a form of couple’s therapy rooted in Attachment Theory, coins the term “dance of despair” to describe the dynamic of the anxious and avoidant. And it goes a little something like this…
Johnson (2007) explains that “the dance of despair” of the anxious and avoidant is “self-perpetuating because each partner, with uncanny precision, begins to deal with their emotions in a way that evokes the very responses from the other that keep this distress going” (p.12).
In my approach to attachment trauma, I work differently depending on who is sitting in front of me: an anxious/avoidant couple, an anxiously attached individual, an avoidantly attached individual. Each needs a different type of approach.
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If you have an insecure attachment style and you want to engage in personal growth work to become more securely attached, I can help. To set up a free 15-30 minute phone consult…
WORKS CITED
Johnson, S.M. (2007). A new era for couple therapy: Theory, research, and practice in concert. Journal of Systemic Therapies, 26 (2)