Sweet Sweet Chain, Part 5: A Comic Strip, My Healing Process, and an Ending
One windy morning, stuck in traffic, I see a bird. The bird attempts to fly but the wind is blowing in the opposite direction so the bird remains suspended in the same spot flapping its wings but going nowhere. I imagine that there is a chain locked around the bird’s neck, the chain attached to an anvil in the dirt, that is restricting this bird from soaring, that is stopping the bird from reaching the heights it could reach without the chain.
I watch the bird suspended in mid-air, stuck to its imagined chain and I think of the ways that the unhealthy dynamic with my ex boyfriends (the anxious and avoidant relational pattern) acted as an anvil and a chain in my life. I think about all the time and negative energy I expended on thinking and feeling and reacting to this painful pattern. I think about how it sucked the life force out of me, and limited my capacity to fully engage in the other areas of my life.
I think about all the people in this world who are afflicted by being in the human condition. I think about their unhealthy patterns, addictions, behaviors that act as the anvil and chains in their lives. I think about how we suffer and stunt ourselves from soaring because we have grown so attached to our dysfunctional habits, whatever they may be. I think about all this and a comic strip comes to mind (while the idea for the comic strip was mine, the artist who executed the idea is the very talented Antonio Jader. Check out more of his work here).
1. The birds soar free together. Each bird enhances the other’s experience of life. This is the honeymoon phase. The high. When the partner or habit feels right and good. At some point in our history or ancestry the habit served an important purpose.
2. One bird (the partner/ the habit) begins to transform into a chain, the end of which is locked around the other bird’s neck. Our partner/ our habit is starting to stifle us.
3. The partner/ the habit becomes an anvil and chain that prohibits the bird from soaring, from reaching its highest potential.
4. Click. The bird is free. We realize that we have the power to choose to act differently. We decide we want a new and healthier kind of habit.
5. Free from the partner, free from the habit, the bird looks down at the anvil and chain and feels a craving, a deep desire, a force, pulling it back toward the chain. This is the force that is bigger than our willpower; it is in our brain chemistry and DNA. The anvil and chain is our sweet comfort zone and we want to be comfortable.
6. Sad sad number six. Free from the anvil and chain, the bird cuddles up against it once again.
The end of my long-term romantic relationships tended to oscillate between comics 3-6 in a whole bunch of dysfunctional breaking up and making up. The pattern kept replaying because the fear that consumed me when contemplating moving onto comic strip number 7, the bird leaves the chain and grieves, was so paralyzing that I could not act or move forward. I remained stuck in this limbo state where my life could not progress, I could not heal or grow, and my sweet chain, who I loved, suffered also. How could I free us both?
Let’s talk about pain. We all feel it and we don’t want it so we turn to distractions. Distractions like relationships, work, substances, food, television, etc. – these distractions are the anvils and chains (the unhealthy patterns) we cuddle up against, so that we do not have to experience the hurt that can sometimes accompany truth. The result is living a life that feels inauthentic and off. The result is living a life motivated by avoidance. The result is unconsciously giving the pain all of the power since, in avoiding it, we live “meh” uninspiring lives, and we restrict ourselves from actualizing our authenticity and aliveness. If we only knew how much power and vitality waited for us at the other side of the grief.
We need to find ways to move through the fear, the pain, the grief (sometimes, therapy can help with this stage of the process) and trust that on the other side we will meet ourselves anew and improved.
7. The bird stops cuddling the chain and instead lies on the floor in the opposite corner, away from the chain, grieving.
8. The bird looks up hopefully at the sky.
9. The bird can soar. Ah, at last.
Ok. I’m ready to be vulnerable with you. If you are still reading this ridiculously long blog post, if you are still with me, then I suppose you’ve earned it. About two years ago I went through a devastating breakup with an avoidantly attached partner, my fifth avoidantly attached partner. This was a man who I was with for four years and thought I would marry. It was the kind of breakup that shook me to my core. I had no choice but to do some serious work on myself, including facing some painful and embarrassing truths about my anxious attachment style and the negative impact it has had on my life. I learned how hard it is to change patterns. I learned that sometimes it is the devastating moments in our lives that act as the wake up calls that have the power to motivate us to do this work- because otherwise, why else would we want to shake things up? I learned more about who I am, what I need, and how to meet my own needs. I became my own client and I uncovered what truly heals, at least for me, beyond the confines of traditional psychotherapy. For me true healing came from solitude and removing external distractions; it came from the creative process in making art and writing; it came from spending time alone in Wilderness; it came from surrendering to darkness and despair; it came from learning how to interact with my subconscious world and implement healing beliefs on a deeper layer of consciousness; it came from learning how to be present right now, and right now, and right now again. I learned how to uncover the lessons within loss and grow through grief.
Through this process I uncovered parts of me that are empowered, clear headed, and alive in ways I never knew possible. Parts of me that feel so damn lucky to be here, because by some fluke my parents happened to get it on and what if they hadn’t- I could just as easily not exist.
I want to shout “AAAAOOOOOO!!!!!” at the top of a mountain. I want to write. I want to create. I want to do something meaningful. I want to actually help people. I want to shimmy and shake and dance. This life is a celebration people! Look at that sunrise, look at that army of ants, look at that baby’s smile- oh shit, now the baby’s crying, well that’s annoying, but oh man this life. This beautiful, complex, simple life.
Whereas before I was oscillating between 3-6 with my ex, now I oscillate between 7-9 within myself. And when I find myself back in grief (sometimes it’s fear), I might question all of it. Because when it hurts, sometimes it really fuckin’ hurts. And when it’s scary, it can be terrifying. But I keep on trekking through because those moments are just moments, those thoughts are just thoughts, and they pass. With time, they show up less. More often than not, I feel incredibly authentically wildly me. I feel powerful and wise. I feel clear and joyful and ALIVE.
Do you know what it means to feel fully alive? It means I’m not operating on autopilot anymore. It means anything can happen at any given moment. It means I can hear myself, trust myself, and am unafraid to follow my intuition. It means I’m a better therapist than I’ve ever been. And I have the painful process of facing my darkness to thank for that. And maybe grief and fear don’t ever fully leave, and maybe they just show up from time to time, and just because they visit me it doesn’t mean I’m not actually soaring.
Works Cited
Ainsworth, M. D. S., & Bowlby, J. (1991), An ethological approach to personality development. American Psychologist, 46, 331-341.
Bowen, M. (1978/ 2004). Family therapy in clinical practice. Lanham, Maryland: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.
Gilbert, E. (2015). Big Magic: Creative living beyond fear. New York, NY: Penguin Random House.
Johnson, S. M. (2007). A new era for couple therapy: theory, research, and practice in concert. Journal of Systemic Therapies, 26 (2), pp. 5-16.
Robbins, T. (1976). Even cowgirls get the blues. New York, NY: Random House Publishing Group. (P.206).
Sapolsky, R. (2017, April). Robert Sapolsky: The biology of our best and worst selves [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_sapolsky_the_biology_of_our_best_and_worst_selves?language=en
Siegal, D. (2010). Mindsight. New York, NY: Bantam Books.